Tonight I am trying to internalize how truly grateful I am for the life I’ve made for myself, for the experiences I’ve had, and for the people I surround myself with. I was thrown a big, unexpected curve ball last night, and after hours of sadness and defeat I found myself searching for something positive to focus on. I needed to stop feeling like I was trapped, and remind myself that I am not my circumstances; I am a strong, capable, independent woman who is capable of creating happiness for myself.
My thoughts are filled with India, and the moments I had that made me feel more alive than ever before. I stood barefoot, in a temple many centuries old, face-to-face with a beautiful, enchanting elephant, who focused her brown eyes on my blue ones, and laid her trunk across my head and shoulders in a blessing. I felt the bristles of her trunk, and it’s heft and strength and power, and happiness poured out of me. I felt whole. I waded ankle-deep in a monsoon-swirled Arabian Sea, with an umbrella over my head and the clouds wringing out over me. I was completely alone in nature, in life, in my travels, and far away from everything I knew. The horizontal rain and agitated waves washed against me, salt and sand scrubbing me raw. I felt small and insignificant, but in a powerful way that cleansed me: I might not influence the universe much, but I had influenced my life considerably, because I had taken myself out of my comfort zone, thousands of miles out, and I was still okay. I witnessed my first nineteen births in India, and became intoxicated by the powerful emotions that come with birth. Most evenings after a birth, I would sit on the rooftop of my home in Madurai, looking up at the starlit sky and the moon, taking in the universe for the newest member of our planet, feeling overwhelming hope for this new life.
I have been physically and emotionally home from India for months, but now I am reminded to bring the ethereal of my experience home as well. To surround myself with people whose arms, when around me, carry the same power of profound love and support as an elephant’s trunk. To allow the feeling of being insignificant to be a positive force, because it means I have made myself vulnerable, and allowing space for vulnerability means that I am strong. To accept that I have complex emotions and can be bruised, but to let new beginnings be full of hope and light, just as in birth.
Births keep on happening. The rain comes and washes away old perspectives. We meet souls that shake us to our core and change the fibers of our beings. When we’re in life– really and truly there– nothing else matters. The world spins madly on.